it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
