good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
