im having a threesome with these popsicles
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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