Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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