I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
