So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
