it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize