I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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