I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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