im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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