The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
