Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
