Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
