i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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