The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize