sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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