Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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