Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
