you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
