You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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