I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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