I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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