someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I enjoy the company of your penis
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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