i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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