and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
