The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
