You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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