the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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