What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
