I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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