Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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