Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
