I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
