I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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