oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize