He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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