Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you made out with another girl for some wings
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
