So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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