p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
