dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
