my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
