I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
