Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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