Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
