You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
