all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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