I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
