I never want to see another naked old woman again.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
