i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
