And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
