I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
