My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
