Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize