i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
