I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
