What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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