Rock
Scissors
Fuck
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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