I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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