I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
