You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
