I just threw up on my dentist
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You pole danced in your parka.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
