You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
