yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
