just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
