It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
and eventually we just all took our pants off
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
