maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
