Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
