what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
