i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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