I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
