My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dignity is for republicans.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
