I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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