based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
