I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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