homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
