Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
