I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
